Official list of Memorable-Tier Seasonal Shitshow Kohl’s Moments
- I’mma have to shout out to my boy Matt for keeping me sane and eating all the Wendy’s.
- Slowbro: I don’t remember this kid’s name, but he came in with his mom a lot and he was an enthusiastic fucker, but not the brightest, hence his nickname. I was trying to ring up a couple pairs of half-off socks and the machine was fucking with me so I told the mother: “I’m sorry this is taking a little long, machine’s just giving me trouble—” slowbro stopped me: “YOU’RE NOT IN TROUBLE JOE”
- Reneau was the large muscular black dude I worked with, he cried a little when he figured out that the seasonal girl who’s ass he wanted to tap was engaged.
- On my last day, Reneau got off before I did. He’d taken his polo off to reveal a gray sleeveless tee-thing and his enormous muscles. He shuffled right up close to my register, leaned real close to my ear and whispered: “I’m out.” and then ran whooping and screaming through the door.
- Kim was my manager and she was really nice.
- I worked with this short little high-school girl named Mary who was much more capable than I and I actually felt the beta-male-pain. It was really the only moment I got dumb-struck from a girl ever because she was this tiny little thing who ran everything around her.
- I saw a lot of people from around town that I knew, I saw my old bro’s mom and his little brother, they bought a TMNT winter hat, Rogers family always had style.
- I once had to wheel a wagon covered in actual shit and vomit into the loading dock to be taken away to god knows where.
- I ate an entire large pizza there the day after Christmas.
- One time I had this terrible fill-in manager who ran the shoe department I guess and she was so bitchy MY GOD
- She’d fallen behind on credit applications and was really on us to get them and said in this shrill bitch tone that ended in an upward inflection: “You guys better get me those credits, OK? Because it’s my job, OK? Make my job easier, or I get mad. And you haven’t seen me mad!” And under my breath as I wrapped up some ornaments I muttered: “No, but I’ve seen you bitchy and condescending”. The middle-aged lady whose stuff I was wrapping told me I was “a funny one”.
- Once I got quizzed on Star Wars and wrestling by a five year old, so I told him my brother wrestled. That blew his mind.
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